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[Kaye]

In November I endured our wedding anniversary with people/family dropping by on the day. I know they called in with alturistic motives but it really annoyed me that they intruded into what was OUR day.

They sat there with really sad looks on their faces, head slightly angled to the right, making small talk and avoiding the elephant in the room...the dead husband.

I dragged myself through the Christmas period after after the death of my beautiful husband in March last year.

When the Christmas Cards started rolling in to the letter box I mostly went out with dread to collect them and bawled my eyes out because his name wasn't on them. I imagined and I was hopeing for the card that should have come with his name and mine together so I could walk inside and say hey 'we got a card from such and such' and he would say oh great and we would together recall some good times we had with the sender. Nah!

On my solitary opening of the cards, it became obvious that there was a common theme amongst many of the senders penning to me. Many wrote, ' I hope you have a better year in 2009'. Last year's only calamity in my life was the death of my husband.

You clutz's how could you even begin to think that things would get better on that front in 2009.
I thought each time I opened on of these cards....how can his death be improved in 2009, or byond for that matter?...will he come back? Nah'.

I am now staring down the barrel of the forthcoming anniversary of the death day. I am trying to think of ways of escaping the do gooders who will feel compelled to try to support me with useless ill thought out words and visits. Any suggestions?

BTW I do have one close supportive friend that aids me in my grief.

[Words help]

Kaye that is so sad.I am at a loss as to what to say so I hope that soon someone else will jump in who can say all the right things.
I guess I mainly just wanted to say thankyou for sharing. Sometime your feelings will resonate with and help someone else feel just a little less alone.
Take care

Ps: I left that answer alone hopping that someone with better skills than I might help.They still may well jump in and make some suggestion.
In the meantime I will suggest this. For some reason I had a problem with my birthday each year if nothing much was happening on it. Some bad past trauma would come creeping in. One year I got really quite frantic and the next day I said Enough. I decided to be proactive. From then on I made sure that my problimatic day was set up well before hand to leave no chance of a space for that to happen.I don't need it to be frantically filled up. I just make some positive plans that usually involve others.
Now I know that loosing your husband ranks way above that, but I think that if you work out how you would like to handle this special and sad day for you, including some very special rituals, either publicly or private ,choosing who you want arround you then that this could help a lot.
It wouldn't be rude to do it ' By invitation only' A few chosen friends holding a memorial wake where you are in control.
I hope that is a little help.