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[Kaye]

I realise that Jess's death day anniversary if fast approaching and I have just endured my first with out my husband. I thought I would share some of my thoughts as the day of his death approached.

Despite all my best efforts, I can do little else at the moment but relive the days leading up to the death of Kim on the 5th March 2008, as the days occur in real time one year on.

In fact I relive this shit event every day since he was killed by cancer, however with the cruellest of anniversaries approaching the pain of losing the man I adore is just so much deeper.

Today, last year, we had a big sleep together and woke up looking at each other, thankful for the unexpected rest we had had together but both scared of what we knew was fast approaching that we had no control over and was to happen very soon. We hadn’t had much sleep in the preceding week and Kim had even got some respite from the hiccups that racked him that day as we lay down together.

I said to my best friend yesterday...’I mostly wonder how many of these shit years do I have to endure before I too will leave and join him’. Don’t get me wrong I am not suicidal, I am just feel like I am treading years instead of water and nothing will ever come to me on this earth like the joy I had in being married to Kim.

It’s not just ‘woe is me thinking’. I get so disappointed for our children that they go on and lead lives without their father, who would have encouraged and supported and loved them all along the way.

I get pissed off for Betty and Bernie, who love their son with all their hearts. He has beat them to the gate and the pain I know they feel at his leaving must be excruciating. Yesterday I re read a fax in amongst our papers that Bernie sent us a couple of years ago explaining the whole family name change. His opening line was ‘that there wasn’t much time left’ and he wanted to explain why the Bernard’s had been Zonfrillos in another time. Oh how right and wrong Bernie was. Right that time moves on but I guess he was talking of his own demise and as with all of us we never had a clue or expectation that our Kim would die from cancer so quickly and unexpectedly.

Sometimes when I talk of things I without thinking still refer to events with terms such as ‘our’ and ‘we’ and am jolted by the look on people’s faces when I realise I have spoken as if he is still living and they find this hard to hear. I cannot help it, at times it is as if he is just away and soon I will go and pick him up from somewhere and we will have just so much to catch up on. I will talk his head off and he will bring a calming presence to our home that he was just a natural at.

Most of all I get disappointed for Kim. He loved us and was a good man in every sense. He did not want to leave us and was so valiant with me as I bawled and babbled to him to him last year saying ‘what the hell I was going to do without you (him).’ He just tried to calm me and told me that things will be better in time.

Well the time of 1 year is upon us and I am just trying to live each day as it comes. But these days are so much less without him.

I hope this is not too melancholy for you to read and I did not send it to drag anyone down. I just wanted to share how I feel that is hard for me to voice and much easier to write.

Is there a moral out of this? Guess it has to be to make the most of and value each minute and live like you are dying (as we all surely are)...I am just trying to master this moral as me and the family continue our journey without Kim at our side.

[Words help]

Brilliant totally brilliant that you can share that with us so clearly.
Yes it does help.
Thankyou.