Dying For Beginners

I am not well, and I haven’t been well for a couple of weeks. This explains my quietness. This is only a short post, since I have to go into the hospital in a minute, but I wanted to let you know why it’s been so long since I’ve posted.

I’m not well.
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Just a quickie post.

I am in an interesting cycle. If I get something done – if I achieve something I feel is worthwhile – I feel good. If I feel like I’ve spent all day sitting around being ’sick’, then I feel worse, I feel useless and I spiral downhill rapidly. Unfortunately, if I’m not feeling well to start, then I am extremely unmotivated and usually in pain and discomfort, and unlikely to get anything ‘done’.
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Still having a bit of a bad run, but whinging is SO last post. Just very tired and quite emotional too. ‘Crashing’ a bit as well – ie suddenly so bone-wearingly exhausted that I can’t even stand up or finish a sentence. Quite teary for stupid reasons or even no reason at all. Just a bit – I don’t even know. I just feel off-colour, flat and unmotivated.

Anyway, Tuesday was the day for the scans… a big day, to find out whether the Avastin is working or not, and therefore whether we keep going.
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Usually after a post like that, I write something beautifully brave and inspirational. Well, shove it. I’m still as cranky as a big brother inmate in a house with no mirrors.

I’m in the process of switching one of my drugs. I’m not taking morphine for breakthrough pain any more, I’m taking a new drug called Ativan which is kinda an amazing all in one – anti-nausea, anti-anxiety and muscle relaxant. Like valium but better. I love it lots already; a lot of my pain is nerve transference and muscle tension, so the muscle relaxant works as well as morphine. Hopefully it will make my brain a little less foggy, and it’s a hell of a lot better on my poor liver. It does make me sleepy though, but as I take it more and more I’ll become immune to that.
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I know I’m all brave and inspirational and so well adjusted and all that rubbish. But there is a serious dark side and it’s been coming out lately.

I am NOT coping with the heat. I am virtually comatose in the heat – it makes the pain worse, it makes me really stiff and achy and it makes me miserable. I get very sooky and teary. So I am not a happy camper lately. I spent most of this weekend either asleep or in a LOT of discomfort and pain. This morning I cried from the pain – something I very rarely do.
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I am currently fascinated by my legs. They are hot. Not just hot. They are HOT TAMALE YOU GO MAMA hot. They are lookin GOOD.

I can wear short shorts. I can wear mini skirts. And not look ridiculous. I am a serious hotty boom boom.

Ooh yeah baby.
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10. The chemo ward is the only place that still has a dedicated tea lady.

9. You always have a simple and effective method of turning away spruikers. Without lying.

8. If you have a fancy event to go to, you can get your hair done the day before and just put it on before you go.
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I must, must, MUST stop telling the truth to spruikers and charity muggers and those people selling credit cards. It’s just not nice. A simple “No thank you” is much more polite.
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I, Jessica Anne Horton, Gourmet and Gourmand Extraordinaire, am no longer interested in food.

I forget to eat. I don’t feel like eating. Most foods are quite distasteful to me.

Food is, or was, one of my four pillars of life. Faith, family, friends and food. I would like to make a really witty crack about replacing food with a new pillar – my husband, but there is absolutely no way to make it clean so I’m going to let it slide…
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Was it really so much to ask? I just wanted a girls’ night out. My body was craving salmon and I wanted to take it somewhere nice to for quality salmon, if I’m going to go to all the effort of eating dead animal. I wanted to see my girlfriends. I wanted a cocktail or two. Is that too demanding??
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