Brave Battle With Cancer?
It seems whenever someone famous dies the news starts with “Celebrity Xyz today lost their brave battle with [insert illness here]”.
Jessica was quite annoyed by this phrase.
Firstly she didn’t like being labeled “brave” simply because she was coping with a life threatening illness that she had no choice in. Once or twice I teased her about being brave but I quickly stopped when a councilor called me brave one day – then I knew how uncomfortable that word made me feel. Jessica rightfully teased me back, but only once.
However this wasn’t the worst word – mostly she detested the use of the word “battle”, because it implies that anyone who succumbs to an illness is a “loser” or “failure”.
Today is exactly 6 months since Jessica died and it was only yesterday on what would have been our first wedding anniversary that I found the appropriate word.
It wasn’t bravery she displayed, it was something more important than that under the circumstances, she faced her illness and lived her life with dignity.
I want to say that again in the hope the word catches on…
Dignity
UPDATE: 26th December 2008
A couple of famous people died from cancer over the last 2 days, namely Eartha Kitt and Harold Pinter. Listening to the reports on radio and reading them on various online news sites I was pleased that none of the articles I encountered used the phrase above. Eartha died from cancer, Harold has died. I’d like to think the contributions here had some effect – thank you to everyone that commented and to the Journalists who contacted me to say they would change the way the report death from now on.
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September 23rd, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Jason, I amended the entry related to Jessica on my blog as you requested. It now reads “who died as she lived facing her illness and living her life to the end with dignity.”
I hope this reflects Jessica’s and your wishes a little more accurately.
Best wishes.
September 23rd, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Dignity. Very appropriate – for both of you.
September 23rd, 2008 at 6:57 pm
I am glad you have laid to rest this old cliché. However I came across a problem with my local newspaper which refused to allow my wife’s death notice to mention the word cancer. I would be permitted to say she died after a long illness but not to mention the word cancer. Their reason was they were a family newspaper and the death notices could be read by children. They changed their mind pretty quickly when I threatened them with exposure of this censorship in the national papers. Also my wife died the day following Pavarotti which in the self same newspapre was announced as “after a long battle with cancer”
September 23rd, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Charles, you are to be congratulated for standing up to them at what is a very difficult time. It would have been understandable if you gave up – but you didn’t. Hopefully some of the media’s mis-use of death will be improved as more people like you make a difference.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:08 am
Jason,
thank you for opening this discussion. I do think that my son Silas was extremely brave, but felt that was who he was in life. As a journalism major, he asked the tough questions to political candidates, and told his fellow student Amy to “be brave” as she ventured forward. But I just don’t like that there is no right word for people who don’t survive their cancer. Dignity is a good word ~ in fact, when my friend Marina, who is a nurse and became close to Silas as she helped him through medical issues at home, spoke at Sy’s “celebration of life” ceremony, she said that Silas did the ultimate thing we all strive to do, “he died with dignity.” Your Jessica is so beautiful ~ what a gift to have had her in your life. It just sucks to have these wonderful people taken by this horrible disease. I won’t tell you to “be brave”, people tell me that I am stronger than I think, and I feel like it is a bad joke….. But take care, as best as you can
September 26th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Dignity. That works.
October 4th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
I’ve read all that precedes. Thank you for the insights. I will do my best to advance Jason’s hope that ‘dignity’ catches on.
May I ask the board’s opinion as to whether ‘courage’ and ’strong’ fit broadly into the same category as ‘brave’?
December 27th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Jason,
I`ve just watched the rerun of the Australian Story about Jess.I lost my only child Tess with a similar cancer [small round cell]in 2002 at the same age of 24yrs[01-01-78 to 16-06-02],she too went to the Mater Hospital in Brisbane.Tess & Jess shared a lot of things in common like wanting to travel etc,some of the pictures, expressions and word`s of Jess reminded me so much of Tess.Being her carer I know better than most what you went through especially in the final day`s,only Tess died at her home but also with dignity.Life will never be the same again for either of us,all we can do is live the life`s they would want us too.
June 18th, 2010 at 9:31 am
I’ve never had a life-threatening disease, but I have a condition which impairs my hearing and will impair my vision. While I understand this is far lower-key than death that doesn’t stop me feeling this is at least somewhat relevant to my situation, because I often find myself feeling irked when people tell me how ‘brave’ I am for not falling down and crumbling because of it.
The reason? I’m not being brave. I didn’t stand up and say, ‘Give me that disease!’ or anything like that. It’s not like I ASKED to have it, and so… I don’t think it’s bravery, to deal with a disease. If anything, if I was trying to keep my head held high about it when really I was dying inside, that’d be stupidity more than braveness – nobody’s going to feel less of me if I break down once or twice over it, nobody’s going to look at me and decide I’m a faliure. But telling people to ‘be brave’ encourages just that: pretend everything’s fine all the time, be the constant smiling face, pretend there’s never a moment in your life when you think ‘I wish it wasn’t like this’. And no matter how minor or severe your illness or condition is, there are always going to be moments when you think that, and wish that.
But, that’s the thing to admire about these people – they DON’T spend their life thinking about how they wish it wasn’t like that. Somehow, in the worst odds, that’s when people sit back and accept it, and decide it isn’t as bad as people say it is after all. One of the most inspirational people I met was a man dying of cancer in his 40s, and this man I only ever met once. Just out – walking his dog. A friendly, ordinary, kind man who smiled and chatted calmly with a teenage kid about his cancer and how long he had left to live. He wasn’t panicked, or avoidant. He had dignity, and acceptance. He wasn’t all glorious, describing how he’d fight the disease to the end, ranting in passionate phrases how he would be unafraid of the death to come. And nobody should feel like they have to be that way. He just held onto his humanity and sanity, throughout it all. That’s what matters.
So, good going, Jessica. I’d gladly contribute towards your effort in changing the words that people use.